Monday, December 13, 2010

Caught between TWO

Oh Y'all, this Holiday Season has me all twisted up Emotionally. 
I am so happy to be so unbelievably blessed.
But, I am also Sad... missing my Dad.
Today, I was out and about... visiting with new friends and running errands. Being in a big city again, there are a plethora of well... homeless.
Well.... I live in a very nice little Suburb... SO NICE.... I am often amazed that I live here.
As I walked into a building today, a man came up and asked for change. I didn't have any. He asked a pair of Ladies behind me, and they also refused. But then one lady said to ME, ME!... "oh I HATE that, You know he is a JUNKIE anyway."
Now, those of you who know me personally, know that this word bothers me so. Not because it is not true, but because it breaks my heart.
Soooo, there my breathe gets taken away.
And I spend the rest of the day in quiet contemplation. Mostly about the two worlds I live in.
I remember so WELL the day I was shopping with my best gal pal, not that many years ago... in my little bubble in South Carolina. My phone just started blowing up, like crazy calls. On the other end: Grown men Sobbing uncontrollably... telling me My father was gone!
My Dad.
Not a hero by anyone's standards... but he went to battle everyday. 
My Dad, maybe a Junkie to you.... but he was a FATHER to me, and 3 other brilliant children. 
So there I stood, knowing my Father was gone, leaving 3 other CHILDREN behind, how would I tell them our Dad was dead. How would I bury my DAD having passed at only 45.
Here is my quiet suburban life... a 3 year old son, playdates and bundt cakes... and I get dragged back to a really pleasant (NOT) city outside of Detroit. A city plagued with gang violence and currently FBI raids.
How do I exist in these two worlds simultaneously... is it possible?
So anyway, here I stand before two women who very obviously had no first hand Junkie experience....  and I am thinking how dare you, Somebody loves him, Somebody could be dying inside not knowing if he will be okay! But really, I just smile and move on.
 After my Dad Passed, I decided I wanted to have another child.... he would have ADORED her. She is so rotten.
Anyway, So that is me feeling pretty torn today. And maybe a little guilty for having it all.
On the crafting side, I of course found some quiet meditative solace in creating two sets of 12 step Serenity Prayer Recovery Prayer Beads. Honoring my Father's Memory, and praying for the Recovery of others.
The back has praying hands on it... like the next set.
Sorry if I bummed you out! Happy Holidays anyway!


Anonymous said...

congrats on where you are today and for acknowleding where (or who) you came from most people don't share those things and that is why others don't remember that everyone is someone daughter/ son, brother/ sister or mother/ father

Katie Cotton said...

big hugs girl. Hang in there! And the bracelets are beautiful!