Today would have been My Dad's Birthday. 45 or 46 he would have been this year, I lose count. I have to think about how old I am! Anyhoo, unfortunately the 5th is also the day that he died, so it has been one year and one month since I lost my father. I would have called him today to wish him a happy Birthday, even though he missed so many of mine. And I would have wished that this year was the year that he realized how precious life was, and how much his children adored him.
I realized this year, that for a Man who did not love himself, he sure had A LOT of people who really loved him. And if you asked him, he would definitely say he did not deserve it. And when I say really loved him, I mean DEEPLY loved him. So much that it burned. It burned for us all to watch him self-destruct. And even if you had to distance yourself from him because you couldn't watch it, or you just tried to talk to him, and tell him how much you cared, You loved him just the same.
I had always dreamed in that little girl way, that my Daddy would realize one day, how much he had missed. And be that old gray bearded Grandpa with my kids on his knee, my kids adoring him, and never knowing who he had been in a past life... what secrets that gray beard hid. And I would smile on Christmas day to watch who my father had become and be proud of him, the way I knew he had been proud of me so many times before.
I pray everyday that his hell was here on this earth and that the torture he inflicted on himself, was enough punishment for any man to endure, and that in his next life, he is at peace. Without that hope, I could not go on.
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